Tongue-Tied

Alright, this one has to do with dating, so Dad, go ahead and stop reading now. I mentioned that over the weekend, a friend of mine showed me around Forest Lake. Well, this particular friend is one that I've known for awhile...and one I'd like to get to know better. By the way, he and I are not FB friends, so if I ever BECOME FB friends with him, this post will swiftly disappear. Ha! Anyway, I've known him for about a year and a half now, and since we met, we've been in and out of each other's lives. Am I interested in him? Sure. He's got a good job, he's a full-time single dad, he seems to have his priorities straight, and he's quick-witted (a must, in my book). Anyway, since I met him, it's been clear that he's someone I'd like to know better. But when I met him...I wasn't ready. I wanted to be ready for something serious, but I wasn't, and I'm not sure he was either. Anyway, there's always been a bit of distance between us, for one reason or another.

Now I'd like to blame him for the distance, but I can't... We've generally kept our conversations to the mundane and superficial topics that are "safe". I think that's kind of a safety-net, because post-divorce, I've found it difficult to legitimately let my guard down, and I never let any guy get too close.  However, I think some of the distance is due to tendencies that are just guy tendencies in general (i.e. leaving a conversation without closing it), and I've learned that through my several short stints dating online. I don't know, guys, is it a man thing? Maybe. I'll just go with that. I mean, clearly  there are distinct differences between men and women, when it comes to communication, and this is one of them. Conversing with a man on a daily basis when you're not a couple is unusual...And finding a man who actually plans things in advance is nearly impossible! So I suppose I can't hold those types of things against him. At the same time, I'm a communicator, and I have a tendency to ramble on (hence, every blog I've ever written...)...I just need to redirect my rambling. Ha!

In the past, I found myself not asking questions I wanted to ask, and not saying things I wanted to say, because I didn't know how he would react. I did the same with other men I've dated.  And he and I aren't even dating! However, in recent months, I've kind of taken a "screw it," attitude when it comes to men in general. I feel like if I don't say what I want to say, or if I hold back, I'm not really being me. That's easier said than done, but I can't always worry about what other people think of me. Is it possible that I'm actually maturing in all of this? Maybe... Anyway, in the weeks before we got together, we texted sporadically, and we had one particularly deep conversation. As much as I've questioned where I stand with him, he made it pretty clear that he trusts me. And that's a big deal to me, considering that I've probably seen him 10 times over the course of a year and a half. So when I saw him, I didn't know what kind of conversation we would engage in...fun and flirty, or a little deeper. This is where the title of my post comes in...

It's been several months since I've seen him, but there's a strange sort of comfort level when I'm with him. I mean, he was showing me houses... kind of an odd activity for not having seen each other in so long. Silences that might generally be awkward, weren't awkward at all. They just seemed comfortable. However, I found myself a little bit tongue-tied, as we drove around. Yes, that's right...I was tongue-tied. ME! Hard to believe, but it's true. I don't know if it was his commanding type of presence, or a little bit of underlying nervousness, but there were times when I was sitting there thinking, "Did I just say that?" Ha! For example, he made a couple comments about work, and his family that I had a slew of follow-up questions for...Things that even now, I'd like to know more about. But for some reason, in the moment, I couldn't come up with anything to say. These are the social skills I teach my students! But I found myself at a loss for words. When I DID talk, the conversation was very smooth and easy, except for a few ditzy comments, and a demonstration of my complete inability to navigate. I just thought it was funny...I'm a very articulate person. I can hold my own in a battle of wits, and I can carry a conversation with people of almost any age. I'll tell people I don't know my life story (to an extent), and I share my thoughts and opinions with anyone on the internet who has any interest! On Saturday, though... He legitimately left me tongue-tied! Quite an accomplishment... **Side note: Our goodbye was totally awkward...Honestly, that's the part of seeing him that's always been a little awkward. Like we don't know what we're supposed to do. Ha! I'm sure I seemed like a 14 year old on a first date or something. Nerves kicked in. Hilarious. And awkward. Story of my life...

In the days since I saw him, I realized something huge. In the past, when I saw this man, I'd look at my phone constantly for the next few days, wondering if he'd texted, and if he hadn't, questioning why not. I over-thought every text I sent, and let my emotions get the best of me. This time around, the day after I saw him, I thanked him for taking me house hunting, and we've exchanged a few texts back and forth. But I've found myself less concerned about whether or not I hear from him. Is it because I've lost interest? Not at all. I'm definitely still interested. I think I just have a better understanding of him now. He needs space. I don't think he's ready to get into anything at this point, and quite honestly I'm not either. He's also most likely skeptical of me and my intentions, based on his past experience with me. I get that. I'm skeptical of him, too. I'm really not the person I was when I met him, though. The last 6 months to a year has probably been the biggest personal growth period of my life... in terms of relationships, work, and life in general. But how do I go about telling him I'm not in any rush to get into anything, when I get so stinking tongue-tied around him? I've just become such a slow mover when it comes to matters of the heart...But I think that's better. Especially because I have my little Charley-girl. I've also realized that I can't be concerned about the phrasing in every text I send. I won't. That's not me. Yes, I've learned to think before I speak (or text), but I've also learned that thinking too hard or too much makes things more complicated. With me, what you see is what you get, and I'd rather say too much, than hold myself back. But at the same time, I've know that there's nothing wrong with a guy wanting some space... Or taking my time and getting to REALLY know someone...the good, the bad, and the ugly, before trying to rush into things. Again...emotional maturity? Growth? Ability to trust (at least a little bit)? It might have taken 30 years, but I think I've finally started to come around.