Generally my blogs address the things going on in my life. I intentionally don't talk about politics, or give my opinions about public issues, because I prefer to discuss those things in person, and sometimes keep my opinions to myself. After reading about yet another school shooting, this time in Nevada, I feel the need to speak up about this generation of students.
I'm a teacher. I don't teach in the classroom setting anymore, but nonetheless, I am a teacher. I love encouraging children, watching them succeed, and pushing them to learn. I also enjoy watching my students have little failures. Not because I like when my kids fail, but because I recognize that kids NEED failures in order to really appreciate success. I also feel strongly that it's possible for kids to fail, or struggle, and then work to improve themselves. As a teacher, it's my job to give them the tools to rebound from difficulties or little failures. In my classroom, we played a lot of games. There were winners, and there were losers, every time we played. Some kids coped with losing better than others. Part of it is just related to their personality types, but another part of their coping skills comes from being taught!
When I was young and played games with my family, sometimes I lost. I was TAUGHT that it's okay to lose sometimes. You win some, and you lose some. When you lose, you have the opportunity to learn, and make changes so you have a better chance of winning the next time around. I think that was, for the most part, how my generation was raised. I was appalled a couple of years ago, when I was babysitting (it was at a party, so the parents were home, I just supervised the kids), and watched a mother "solve" a problem between her kids who were playing a game. The kids were about 9 and 10 years old. Definitely old enough to understand that they won't always win when they play games. Well, a game of Sorry wrapped up, and the girl clearly won. What happened next? Her brother threw a fit. "You cheated! You didn't win, the game's not over yet." I intervened, and stated, "You know, it looks like she won this round. It's no big deal, she got some lucky cards! Why don't you play again, and maybe you'll win this time!" He wasn't having it. He went upstairs and pulled his mom away from the party. She promptly informed the kids that it was a tie. The little girl didn't win, but both kids won. Why? Because she didn't want to deal with the fact that her son didn't have coping skills. It upset me, because in a little decision like that, she took a learning and growing opportunity away from both of her kids. Her daughter didn't get to celebrate her win, and her son didn't have the chance to deal with a loss, and find that he can move forward.
Obviously, if you're reading this blog, you know how much of a role gymnastics has played in my life. When I competed in gymnastics, the top 5 or 10 gymnasts on each event got a ribbon or a medal. Everybody got some kind of participation prize, like a t-shirt, but only those who performed the best received awards. As a coach, I've watched that philosophy change. I think it's great to acknowledge all the kids' hard work. But, as I sit in awards ceremonies, and watch kids receive medals for 25th place in a competition of 30 kids total, it makes me wonder what encourages children to do any better. Don't get me wrong, I understand the purpose for rewarding everybody. All the kids walk away with a smile, and feel like they've done a great job, which they normally have! But at the same time, I feel like giving everybody a "feel good" award in every sport, at every competition (I know I'm generalizing here, it's just been my experience as a coach), we're not preparing kids for real life. In real life, the top 3 performers in a job interview might be called back for a second interview, and the best performer will get the job. In real life, somebody who is 25th on a list of potential employees won't get a phone call, because there are 24 applicants who are more qualified. Unfortunately, if kids aren't prepared for this type of situation, they don't know how to deal with rejection, and in turn, frequently act out or blame others for everything that goes wrong in their lives.
All of this comes to mind, because I firmly believe that a lack of coping skills contributes to the increase in school shootings over the last 15 years or so. It's great to build children's self-esteem, and encourage them to be the best kids they can be. What better opportunity to do that, than when they experience failure? As parents and teachers, we need to take advantage of those teaching moments. We need to tell the children who lose, "You lost, and that's ok! How are you going to make sure you win next time?" I understand that life would be easier for everybody if nobody ever 'got out' in a game, or if the outcome was always a tie. But that's not how life works, and kids need to learn that, so they don't freak out when they are faced with adversity. Charley and one of her little friends get into arguments fairly frequently. Her friend's mom and I usually try to let them work it out (unless one of the toddlers throws a punch or something, lol), because even at 2, kids need to learn to cope with things, particularly with peers. So many of these kids who participate in school shootings seem to have been bullied in school. They need to learn how to deal with bullies in a constructive manner, instead of bottling up their emotions until they can't control themselves. As parents, we want to protect our children from negativity. But sometimes, we need to back away, and let them solve problems for themselves. If kids were taught from birth HOW to use their emotions constructively, enjoying the positives, and even embracing the negatives, maybe we wouldn't see so many kids who are pushed to suicide or even murder, before they're even teenagers.
As a perfectionist in childhood, and admittedly now, I have high expectations for myself. I don't like to fail. I didn't experience much failure as a child. If I wanted something, I worked hard to achieve it, and was usually successful. With that said, in my early gymnastics years, I was frequently one of the girls who received a medal in competitions, at least on floor and vault. But I almost never won anything on beam or bars, because I wasn't as good at those events. I knew those were my weaknesses, and that I had to work harder on those events if I wanted to do better. There were times when I was off, and didn't get any medals at all. I failed those days. But that was really the extent of my failure during my childhood. As an adult, I have experienced a few failures, and in self-reflection, I appreciate every failure almost more than I do my successes. I was willing to stay and work on a marriage that was never really meant to be, because I didn't want the relationship to fail. I didn't WANT to fail. But my failures have made me stronger, wiser, and more conscientious. I'm not super-mom, and I know Charley isn't the perfect child, but I hope that I can encourage her to deal with failure better than I did when I was young, so she doesn't make the same mistakes I've made as an adult.
There's my rant for the night! Not my usual type of post, but the Nevada shooting hit too close to home. I know too many awesome teachers, working in a terrible neighborhood in Vegas, and I don't know what I would do if one of their names was written in the paper as a victim of a school shooting. On that note, I promise, more entertainment in the next post!
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